“Why do girls always go to the toilet together.” That old chestnut. Well lads, I’m going to lay it down for you; uncover our secret, once and for all. There are three reasons women go to the bathroom together.
1) To share makeup/hair products
2) To talk about you/someone else in the group
3) To rap battle.
I’d love to say that number three was a joke, but a bizarre rendezvous in the toilets of Liverpool’s infamous Popworld with a gang of Irish hens in their mid forties, would suggest otherwise.
Anyway, having spent a fair amount of time in the ladies lav over my twenties, (was that as weird a sentence to read as it was to write?) I can tell you that the girls you meet in the toilets of a bar all fall into one of six categories. And, what’s more, we’ve all been each of these girls at some point in our life.
1) The girl that’s lost everyone
And, quite frankly, she seems positively upbeat about it. She’s giving no thought to the fact her lift home may be disappearing deep into the night, because she’s having an absolute ball spilling her life story to strangers whilst they wee.
2) The gossip girls
These are the girls who pile into the cubicle together for a good gossip and don’t leave for at least 25 minutes despite the relentless banging on the door from numerous angry punters on the brink of wetting themselves. You, and your bladder, hate them with the fire of a thousand suns… but you also kind of, really, really need to hear the rest of their story about wh0 Kerry from accounts shagged at the Christmas party.
3) The MUA
Need to borrow some lipstick? She’s your girl. Desperate for an eyeliner? She’s got you covered. Want a contour, smoky eye and full set of strip lashes? Hell, she’ll sit you down and you’ll leave looking a million dollars.
4) The drama queen
Isn’t it funny how the girls who claim to ‘hate drama’ are always the ones you finding crying in the toilet, covered in WKD and screaming Adele lyrics down the phone to their ex before midnight? FYI, these are also the same girls who post their horoscopes every day on Facebook and get overly enthusiastic about the red Starbucks cups.
5) The girl who’s really, really angry
The girl will either be on the phone screaming at someone, (probably her boyfriend) or be surrounded by a gang of stressed-out friends trying to convince her not to rag someone’s extensions from their skull. Don’t try and get involved by asking if she’s OK. She’s not. She’s fuming. Just steer clear.
6) Your new BFF
You’ve bonded over mutual disgust for the sheer amount of soggy toilet roll caked across the floor. Laughed at the gossip coming from one of the cubicles. She borrowed your mascara, you tried her perfume.
You’ve hit it off. This girl is cool. Really cool. Almost, dare you say it, as cool as you… almost. She could be your new best mate. But alas, in the time it takes for you both to wee, you’ll have disappeared out of each other’s lives forever. Like ships in the night.