With the meteoric rise of Tinder, and online dating in general, it’s probably a safe assumption that many of us going on a lot more first dates. Problem is, someone can seem perfectly normal over text, but it’s not until you meet them in person that you realise you probably should adopt a much more rigorous vetting process. But oh well, you’re on the date now so you may as well sit back and endure the next few hours, right? Wrong.
Your time is too precious to be spent wishing you were literally anywhere else. You need to find a method of escape and fast. That’s where we come in. Straight from our dating playbook, we’re willing to impart some of our wisdom to help to ensure your swift exit when your date turns out to be a dud.
“The Family Emergency”
Get a trusted mate to phone you helf an hour into the date, with some ‘terrible news’. If you’re having an awful time, then answer it and put on your best grief stricken voice saying you will ‘be there right away’. Oldest trick in the book, but it’ll stand the test of time – partly because not many people in their right mind are going to say ‘Go on, prove your Dad’s just been declared terminal’.
The Downside: Not very creative and they’ll definitely know you’re lying and are a horrible person.
“The Oh Clumsy Me”
If you’re at a bar or a restaurant and are having a drink, spill some on yourself, then making a big performance about how you’re a show and you can’t be taken out in public anywhere – then storm off embarraseed. It’s highly likely they’ll be too stunned to follow you out, or even process what’s just happened for that matter.
The Downside: The chance of ruining some genuinely nice clothes, or wasting some perfectly good wine.
“The Virgin Mary”
Casually drop into the conversation that you’ve never had sex and don’t plan on until you’re happily married – you’ll find that Tinder isn’t exactly filled with those with monogamy on the mind. Either they’ll make excuses to cut the date short or will try to convince you otherwise, in the latter situation just say ‘what kind of person do you think I am’. Checkmate.
The Downside: You might find someone who genuinely wants to take it slow and wait till your hitched. Enjoy the Hen/Stag Night.
“The Brass Neck Crank”
Probably the most fun of all the options if you love a bit of murder. Keep an eye out for another fitty in the area (who isn’t you) and wait till the date looks in that general direction – then kick off royally, accusing them of eyeing up other people, and stressing how you “don’t associate with perverts.”
The Downside: You’ll probably end up as viral video on the internet by the time you’ve made it home.
“The ‘Fuck This I’m Out’ ”
For those of us that aren’t particularly good liars, there’s always a way out – leg it out the front door before they notice. Just say you’re going the toilet and while he’s not looking make a break for the exit. It isn’t exactly subtle, but we’ll be damned if it’s not effective.
The Downside: Good luck explaining why you need to put your coat on to go to the bathroom.
“The Daniel Bedingfield”
‘If You’re Not the One’ was a serious tune back in the day, and now it’s helping you later in life. Ask your date exactly what they want from a partner – once they have, calmly explain how you are literally none of the things they just described and it would probably be best if you both left it before someone gets hurt.
The Downside: You run a serious risk of punking yourself if they say “you”.
If none of these suggestion sound appealing to you, then you could just, you know, tell the truth? Your date will probably respect you more for it and you don’t have to make a complete tit of yourself in the process.